“Dummy Up, Kid”

My mother used to say that,” dummy up, kid.” There are still days I haven’t. I do this approval seeking from others that are incapable of giving it thing. Why do I do it? Especially knowing before I even do it, that they just aren’t capable? I haven’t gotten that one down yet, when will I learn?

I will set out purposefully as I did all of my life, to seek out approval which I was never going to get. Especially not from my Narcissistic mother. I now create that same pattern with others, most likely because I am no contact with my N mom. The game is the same, people unable to give encouragement and approval, it’s just new players.

Afterward I  think to myself, ” what a dummy.” It’s that, “oh, maybe this time it will be different” thing that we do. You know what I mean by this. Then afterward we think to ourselves, “well, I set myself up for that one.” The thing is, you place your topic, idea, dream etc. on a nice shiny silver platter to them with all these great hopes that they will be delighted for you, but it never happens. A simple “good for you for following your dream”, (even if deep down they think you will automatically fail), an “oh, that’s nice”, heck I’d settle for a nod. Instead they will take the topic, idea, dream and crush it before your very eyes.

You shrink into a ball completely deflated by the time they are done telling you every negative aspect, doubt and critique they can think of to throw your way. You start out excited, passionate, enthusiastic, ready to take on the world! Then suddenly it’s like you turn into a 5 yr old who just presented a beautiful picture to them that you so proudly colored and they rip it to shreds right in front of you, that’s what it feels like. Why do they do this? I have no idea. Perhaps it was done to them and they haven’t done the true recovery work needed to change those destructive and damaging relationship patterns. Maybe they like to feel right, so they make everyone else and their ideas wrong. Maybe they like the I say black, you say white game. Who knows?

Why do we do it? This seeking of approval from people who are incapable of giving it? We do it because we did not receive love and acceptance as children from our parents and we are still seeking out those unmet needs, anywhere we can. I’m excited for the day when I never do this again. Some days I get it right and some days I get it wrong. I slip back into the old patterns. One step forward and two steps back some days, but I keep moving forward and I’m getting better everyday. I’m learning and growing, you are too.

So let’s try not to beat ourselves up to much when we slip back. We’re only human and we want to be loved and accepted. We want our dreams to be valued and encouraged and why shouldn’t we? We just have to remind ourselves not to seek out approval and encouragement from those that are incapable of giving it. Hopefully through our recovery work and healing we will get to a place where we are giving enough love and acceptance to ourselves, that we are no longer seeking it from others. But for now, no more setting myself up as a”dummy.” Anyway I’m no dummy, that’s my moms term she can keep it! I’m figuring this all out and I’m getting better everyday and so are you. Keep going you’ll get there! Wishing you well on your healing journey. Anne-Marie Wiesman


Do you do this? Do you beat yourself up afterword? Are you noticing when you do it? That is the first step to recovery right, recognizing it? If we can recognize it we can change it, so good for you!






  1. Thank you, that reminds me of my own mother. I just remember be trying very, very hardly to paint a picture, when I was about 5. She was angry because of – I don’t know why, and she yelled at me: “Those faces are not ROUND, you’ll paint this picture another time, I want you to paint ROUND faces.” I had given my very best, and I felt ashamed because of that, so I tried another time: And the faces were round like the sun. I was proud on myself and showed her the new pic asking: “Is that okay now?” – but she was no longer interested in it, so I felt disappointed and sad.
    So that was the pattern. I really wish, that my round-faced mother will suffer for all that abuse she did to me, for allowing my paedophile father sexually abusing me, for gaslighting me, tor hitting me, for trying to ruin my life, keeping me away from helpful and healthy realationships to other people. She had poliomyelitis when she was a child, therefore she suffered of crippled feed, and because she couldn’t bear seeing me growing up with healthy feet, she forced me to wear shoes, which were to small, so my right foot is crippled now and hurts, and I should get a surgery.
    She was like a vampire. She was so cruel, and I wish her to get those illnesses, some people get from poliomyelitis when they are really old. That is what poliomyelitis does: It makes really old people suffer and it breaks out, when they are 70 years and older.
    So she can call herself a “poor victim” again, who did everything right in life, but I know it better: I wish her all bad things in life.

    Thanks to much, Anne-Marie for this website. Your videos are so helpful, I watch them every day and do the tapping.

  2. Dear Sandra,
    Thank you so much for your note. I’m so grateful that you are finding the site and videos helpful on your recovery journey. I am so sorry for all that you endured as child. It is so heartbreaking. I wish you continued healing from your abusive past and am sending hugs and prayers your way. Anne-Marie Wiesman

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