Do you feel like you’re never good enough?
That you are always to blame for everything that happens in your relationship with others?
Like you just can’t seem to get it right no matter what you do when it comes to your relationships?
Do you feel like you are going crazy? You may have encountered a Narcissist.
Below we will discuss what a Narcissist is and specifically explore Parental Narcissistic Abuse and how one can recover from the abuse with the use of EFT Tapping and other healing modalities.
How can someone use EFT Tapping when they’ve encountered narcissists? If you have encountered a narcissist in your life, it is most likely no accident. You may have been conditioned since childhood to accept unacceptable behavior, by your parents, care givers or those around you. You may have even been raised by or with someone who is a Narcissist. The Use of EFT can help to break the conditioning, as well as the unconscious beliefs you may be holding around what is acceptable and unacceptable. If unacceptable or even abusive behavior is all you have ever known, it may have been your “normal.” Once you realize it is not normal and you wish to change your life and how you are treated, EFT Tapping can help you accomplish this by releasing the energetic blocks that occur with Narcissistic Abuse or what I like to refer to as the saying goes, “death by a thousand cuts.” EFT Tapping can specifically be used to expose and change hidden negative beliefs that were passed onto you about:
- What is acceptable behavior?
- How you deserve to be treated.
- Who holds the power and control in your life, you or others?
Narcissists thrive on power, control and conflict. They will use many means to obtain it including tactics such as gas lighting, manipulation, guilt, rage and pouting. Many have overcome the effects of such treatment through the use of EFT and other healing modalities.
What is a Narcissist? What is a narcissist? Well I will tell you first what it is not. It is not what comes up on twitter when you put in # Narcissist and a picture of a person taking selfie’s pops up! If only that were truly all it was. A Narcissist is a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD for short and it has nothing to do with vanity really and everything to do with power, abuse and control. NPD is a spectrum disorder and narcissist can be anywhere on the spectrum.
What are the characteristics of a narcissist? Narcissists are highly insecure even though it may not appear so. Narcissists are entitled, often grandiose. Narcissists are uncompromising, unreasonable, childish, believe nothing is ever their fault, believe they are perfect and can do no wrong. Narcissists have a “my way or the highway” attitude, lack empathy and are unable to provide unconditional love.
What causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Researchers are uncertain as to what causes it and there are many theories. According to the Mayo Clinic “It’s not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex. The cause may be linked to a dysfunctional childhood, such as excessive pampering, extremely high expectations, abuse or neglect. It’s also possible that genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking — plays a role in the development of narcissistic personality disorder.”
Parental Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
What is Parental Narcissistic Abuse? It is a form of abuse from a parent to a child which is often unseen and unheard by anyone other than the child, who is the victim of the abuse. Parental Narcissistic abuse is an insidious form of abuse, as is all Narcissistic abuse to some degree. Narcissistic parents can, and many do, become violent, most rage, but for the most part the abuse is not seen or heard by anyone else and no visible marks are left on the victim.
What are signs that a Parent is a Narcissist? To the people outside of the child or victims there are no real signs. But for counselors or others who may be aware of NPD the signs may include: A parent that appears to be almost superhuman. Narcissistic parents often appear to be very helpful to the child and others, volunteer to help others and appear to be the perfect parent.
What are some of the Narcissistic Parents behaviors? Narcissistic parents may be overly critical of their child, have unobtainable expectations from their child, own the successes of their child, must be in control at all times and they may emotionally blackmail their children as well.
How are children of a Narcissistic Parent affected? According to many experts on the subject, many children of Parental Narcissistic abuse are made to feel there is something innately wrong with them. Many suffer from low self-esteem, have no sense of self, feel inadequate, are extremely self-critical, are easily frustrated or angered, feel alone or abandoned, feel unlovable or worthless, struggle making decisions and do not trust others. They may appear be very quiet and have trouble speaking, they can introverted and sometimes shy, but not always, others may act out.
Is this abuse something others around the children are aware of, other family members, friends, other parents, teachers? One of the hardest aspects of having a Narcissistic parent on a child is the fact that the Narcissist wears two masks. They have their public persona and then their home persona, which is who they truly are. They may be a pillar of the community. Everyone aside from their own children may think they are wonderful.
How is the abuse so well hidden from others, even other family members? All of the abuse is hidden and never made public. The child is raised to never discuss what happens in the home or to them by the Narcissistic parent. Besides who would believe them anyway? The Narcissist presents themselves as the perfect parent, always volunteering and helpful to others. People think they are the ideal parent.
What is this like for the child of a Narcissistic parent? It is very hard on the child who is raised by a Narcissist. The child may not feel loved. The child is most likely under constant criticism and verbal abuse, while everyone around them is telling them how great their parent is. So the child begins to think there is something wrong with them. That it must be them that is the problem and the Narcissistic parent absolutely wants them to believe that they are in fact the problem.
Does the child feel like they even have a parent? There is no individuation for the child. The child is merely a reflection of the Narcissistic parent. The Narcissistic parents needs come before all others, including their own child’s. Parentification, or role reversal occurs and the child becomes the parent instead of being parented. The child must take care of and care for the Narcissistic parents needs at all times, while the child’s needs go unmet.
What effect does this parentification have on a child? Through the parentification process the child learns that their needs don’t matter. That essentially they don’t matter. The child’s needs, feelings, emotions do not matter to the Narcissistic parent. No empathy is ever shown to the child and who they are and how they feel is unimportant to the Narcissistic parent. There is never any validation given by the Narcissistic parent and the child becomes fully attached to the Narcissistic parent for their identity. In many cases the child who is often ignored and whose needs are neglected is often seeking to be better to receive anything at all from the Narcissistic parent, possibly even abuse as attention to fill the void.
What is life like for the child of a Narcissistic parent or caretaker? Children of Narcissistic parents are ignored, so any attention they receive even through abuse, in some cases to them is better than no attention at all. This abuse unfortunately becomes their “normal.” They don’t know any different. The Narcissistic parent’s cruelty, humiliation of the child and abuse is all that the child knows. It can be devastating to the child and greatly affect their life well into adulthood.
How does the Narcissistically Abused child react? The child works that much harder to gain the Narcissistic parents love, meanwhile the Narcissistic parent is incapable of loving anyone including themselves. The child seeks what is unattainable, something that the child can never receive, their Narcissistic Parents love. The child will continue to try and obtain the parents love and approval doing everything they can sometimes until the point that some may finally rebel.
Does the Narcissistically Abused Child feel unloved? The child may feel unloved, because they are in fact unloved. The Narcissistic parent is incapable of love. The child may also never hear the words,” I love you.” Affection may be scarce if at all and most likely awkward if any is given which most likely will be for show. The child receives little if any touch, no true affection and no love.
What is the cost to the Narcissistically Abused child? The cost to the child is high. A narcissistically abused child is given very little touch except mostly in anger or annoyance and very little if any affection (except for show). Imagine a child that cannot go to their mother for a hug when he or she is hurting, empathy when he or she is crying or validation for who they are and what they feel, resulting in a child who is taught not to talk about anything or to feel anything. This is what occurs with Parental Narcissistic Abuse. Parental Narcissistic abuse is cruel, it is very damaging to the child, the child is basically not allowed to be human.
Tapping Script for Parental Narcissistic Abuse
Even though I was Narcissistically Abused and not allowed to feel and express who I am or how I feel. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though my parent was unable to love me and I did not feel loved. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I was narcissistically abused and unable to be accepted and loved unconditionally or treated as an individual. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
TH: I was not loved
EB: My mom/dad/caretaker was unable to love me
SE: This hurt me
UE: It was cruel
UN: I deserved to be loved
CH: I felt unlovable
CB: I felt like something was wrong with me
UA: Why couldn’t he/she love me?
Take a deep breath and check in with how you are feeling- Let’s begin the next round:
Even though I felt like I was not loved and this affected my life in so many ways, it hurt so much. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I was abused and never felt loved. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though it is incredibly painful and I have felt very alone at times. I deeply and completely love an accept myself.
TH: I was abused
EB: My needs weren’t met
SE: I wasn’t allowed to be a child
UE: I was neglected
UN: I was ignored
CH: I didn’t matter
CB: What I felt didn’t matter
UA: I was not allowed to be who I am-Human.
Deep Breath check in with how you are feeling.
Let’s begin the Turnaround Round:
Even Though I felt I didn’t matter and my needs didn’t matter, I do matter and my needs do matter. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though he/she wasn’t able to love me, I can love me. I am lovable and I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I was not validated, empathized with or allowed to be who I am, that was then and this is now. I can be the amazing strong me that I am. I survived and now I will thrive.
TH: I am lovable
EB: I matter
SE: I’m important
UE: I deserve love and respect
UN: I can now have loving and respectful relationships
CH: I’m no longer a child, I get to choose
CB: I no longer have to accept unacceptable behaviors
UA: I’m learning to love me, even if others can’t
Please take a deep breath and check in with how you are feeling. If you feel you need to do another round please take the time to do so. I hope you have found some healing and recovery in this. I am wishing you well on your healing journey Anne-Marie Wiesman